Why your wedding ceremony doesn't have to follow tradition
One of the things I find myself saying to couples quite often is that they don't actually have to do any of the things they think they're “supposed to do”.
It sounds obvious, but wedding ceremonies come with an extraordinary number of unwritten rules. There's the walking down the aisle, the giving away, the readings, the vows, the rings, and a whole host of other things that have somehow become part of what we think a wedding ceremony is meant to look like.
And, of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things if that's what you want. But one of the things I love most about being an independent celebrant is that we don't have to start with a list of things that have to happen. We can start with you, work out what matters to you, and then build a ceremony around that.
In other words, we can work out what belongs in your ceremony rather than simply copying someone else's.
So, what do you actually want?
When I first start talking to a couple about their ceremony, I sometimes hear them say, “I think we're supposed to…” and then reel off a list of things they’ve seen their friends do, or watched on TV wedding ceremonies, or been told they need to include by members of their families. And I gently ask, “Why?”
Not because I have anything against wedding ceremony traditions. I really don't. Some of them are quite sweet, and some are incredibly important to people. If you've always imagined walking down the aisle with your dad and that moment means the world to you, then that's exactly what you should do.
But there's a difference between doing something because you genuinely love it and doing it because nobody has ever suggested that there might be another way.
That's particularly true when it comes to wedding ceremonies, because so much of what we see at weddings has been repeated so often that it can start to feel compulsory.
And that's when it's worth stopping for a moment and asking yourself: do we actually want to do this?
Let's talk about the aisle!
Walking down the aisle is a big moment, and I've seen some very emotional versions of it over the years. There's something rather special about that moment everyone turns to watch one person make their way towards the person they're about to marry.
But I've also had couples tell me that they really don't like the idea. Perhaps they don't enjoy being the centre of attention, or perhaps the idea of one person waiting at the front while the other walks towards them simply doesn't feel like their relationship.
So – don't do it.
You can walk in together, which can be a beautiful way of saying that you're arriving at this point in your lives side by side. (My husband and I did exactly this 27 years ago!) You can walk in separately, with each of you having your own moment – and even your own music for each entrance. I've supported a couple with this, and it ROCKS.
I've created ceremonies where the couple were sung into their ceremony by their guests, which was an absolute energy boost right at the beginning. I've had couples arrive by bike (yes, they were fanatical cyclists), by horse, and even by boat. I've witnessed a bride escorted by her 12-year-old brother, a groom accompanied by his best woman, and aisle support in the form of parents, grandparents, and three very boisterous Pointer dogs.
There are lots of ways to arrive at your wedding ceremony, and nobody is going to mark you down for choosing one that isn't the usual one. There isn't actually a wedding rule book, however much it might sometimes feel as though there is.
And what about being "given away"?
The tradition of being "given away" has changed quite a lot over the years – thank goodness. For me, it's less about someone handing a bride (or groom) from one person to another and much more about the person accompanying you representing the love and support of your family as you begin married life together.
I often suggest to couples that this can be as simple as the person or people escorting the bride (or groom) being asked, "Do you give your blessing and support to Daisy and Pete as they begin their married life together?” And the answer might be, “I/we do.”
Or perhaps there don't need to be any words at all. It could be a hug, a kiss, a handshake, or simply a special moment between you before they take their seat. And if none of that feels right, you don't have to do anything at all.
My point is, you can keep the wedding ceremony tradition, change it, or leave it out completely. The important thing is that, if you include it, it means something to you.
What about the reading you don't actually want?
I love a good reading. A beautifully crafted poem (no cheese, please), a piece of writing (original or otherwise) or an extract from a book that has some significance to a couple can be a fantastic part of a ceremony.
What I don't particularly love is the idea of choosing a reading because you feel that a wedding ceremony is supposed to have one. I've lost count of the number of couples who have told me that they don't have anything they'd particularly like to include, but they feel they ought to find something because otherwise the ceremony won't feel complete.
It probably won't feel complete because you've put something in it that doesn't belong there.
If there's something you love, let's use it. If there's a poem that reminds you of each other, it's even better. If your best friend has a surprise piece she'd like to write for you, we can find a way to include that too. But if you've spent three weeks looking at poems online and you're still thinking, “None of these are us,” then that's probably because they're not you.
Leave it out. Nobody is going to come round afterwards and check.
Your vows don't have to sound like anybody else's.
I think this is one of the areas where couples put far too much pressure on themselves.
There's an idea that wedding vows have to be beautifully written, deeply profound and delivered without a wobble in your voice. In reality, I've heard vows that have made everyone laugh, vows that have made everyone cry, vows that have been wonderfully simple (three lines can actually work a treat!) and vows that have gone slightly off-piste because the person saying them became so emotional and couldn't quite articulate what they were going to say next.
They're all memorable.
Your vows don't need to sound like something you saw on Instagram. They need to sound like you.
That might mean making serious promises about the life you're going to build together. It might mean talking about the children you've already got, the difficult things you've been through or the ordinary things that have become important because you've shared them. It might also involve a promise to make the coffee in the morning, stop stealing the duvet or put the bins out without being asked.
There is no prize for the most poetic wedding vows or for the ones that go on for the longest.
And if you're worried about writing them, please don't sit at your kitchen table at midnight trying to produce something worthy of publication in a wedding magazine. We can talk about what you actually want to say and work it out from there.
And then there are the rings…
I love the ring exchange, but again, you don't have to do it in the traditional way. You can exchange rings with a little explanation about what they mean to you, say a few simple words as you put them on, or keep it really short and sweet.
I've had couples involve children, friends or family members in bringing the rings forward, and of course there's always the possibility that the rings arrive in a slightly less conventional fashion (no birds, please). I'm still very fond of the wedding where they were hidden underneath random guests' seats… And I've even had couples present their newly ring-tattooed fingers instead. On at least two occasions.
And if you don't want rings at all? That's OK too. You don't need jewellery to prove that you're married.
I think it's perfectly OK to make people laugh.
This is something I feel quite strongly about.
A wedding ceremony can be emotional without being solemn from beginning to end. In fact, I think some of the best ceremonies have a bit of everything in them. There might be a story that makes everyone laugh, followed five minutes later by something that catches everyone in the room right in the heart.
The funny things are often the things that make a ceremony feel most personal. The disastrous first date. The holiday where absolutely everything went wrong. The fact that one of you has an inexplicable obsession with something the other person has learned to tolerate.
I've even managed to get The Office (US version, of course) into a wedding ceremony, which wasn't something I'd particularly expected to be doing when I started out as a celebrant. But it was important to that couple, and their reaction when it appeared was priceless.
That's the sort of thing I mean when I talk about making a ceremony personal. It doesn't mean adding lots of grand gestures or finding a particularly unusual ritual. Sometimes it simply means allowing the ceremony to sound like the two people who are actually getting married.
And yes, you can bring the dog – or the cat.
I should probably admit that I'm slightly biased here, because I have a particular soft spot for animals at weddings.
I've conducted ceremonies where dogs have had important jobs to do, and I've conducted ceremonies where the dog has completely ignored the important job and done whatever it fancied instead. (Which was a big poop on the lawn.)
If your dog is happy to carry the rings, that's cute. If they're content to walk down the aisle with somebody, that's also cute. If they'd prefer to sit quietly beside you while you get married, I absolutely love that.
You just need to accept that once an animal is involved, some of the control has left the building. They haven't read your running order, they don't know when the music is supposed to start, and they aren't particularly interested in the fact that you've spent months planning the perfect entrance.
They're simply being themselves, and there's something rather nice about that.
PS> I've also had lots of weddings where couples have found lovely ways to honour much-loved cats who can't be there, but despite all my years of doing weddings, I've never actually had a cat as a member of the wedding party. I'd do that wedding for free.
Tradition isn't the enemy.
I'm not anti-tradition. There are lots of wedding ceremony traditions I quite like, and if they mean something to you, then they absolutely belong in your ceremony.
Nor am I saying you should aim for the most unconventional or alternative wedding ceremony possible. You don't get extra points for throwing every wedding ceremony tradition out of the window, just as you don't get extra points for including every single one.
It's about choosing. Keep the things you love. Change the things that don't quite work for you. Leave out the things that feel completely irrelevant. And if there's something you'd like to do that you've never seen at another wedding, then let's have a conversation about whether we can make it work.
That's one of the things I love about being an independent celebrant. We're not trying to fit your relationship into a pre-existing shape. We can talk about the two of you, the people you love, the things that have brought you here and the sort of ceremony you would actually enjoy being part of.
Your ceremony should feel like you
Ultimately, what I'm trying to say is that your wedding should feel like you. And if you've read any of the pages on my website or other blogs I've posted, followed me on social media – or even attended one of my ceremonies – you'll know it's something I'm pretty passionate about.
Your wedding ceremony isn't an exam, and there isn't a correct answer. You don't have to prove that you're properly married by ticking every traditional box. Equally, you don't have to reject tradition just to make your ceremony different.
You simply need to work out what matters to you.
Because when you're standing there, looking at each other, surrounded by the people you love, I want the ceremony to feel as though it could only ever have been written for the two of you. I want you to hear a story and think, Oh yes, that's us.
I want your friends to laugh because they know exactly what I'm talking about. I want your family to recognise the people they've watched you become. And I want you to have those little moments during the ceremony where you look at each other and think, I'm so glad she thought to include that.
That's the good stuff.
If you're sitting there thinking that none of it really feels like you, then please don't worry. You haven't got your wedding wrong. You might simply need to do it differently.
Would you like to chat with me about planning your ceremony? I'd love to hear from you, so do get in touch.
